True self

Nawal & i did not understood the topic the same way. I felt it more as an exercise to face the future more quietly. She felt it more as introspection. Obviously she is always under control. For good reasons, according to me, she is continuously acting in the opposite way as a particular person really close to her.

She told me this exercise has been quiet hard to her but it was a way to go back to her childhood when she was really her.  We then started to speak about how to be really you. The main problem comes from social border and your education. For both of us, going abroad was a release. It was like being in front of a white board. People don’t know you. They don’t have a prejudice against you. You are free to re write yourself, your real self. We spoke a lot about her way to feel life, the reasons why she feels it this way, which changes were happening and which event has started it.

We realize we had one common point: both we lived abroad and both it changed us deeply. We were much more our true self over than among our family and friends.

This coaching session was the last one.  Despite it require a consequent work on yourself, it has been a good opportunity to get to know each other better…and also to learn more about our self.

Presencing with my coach

I’ve just ended my call with Astrid. I tried to tell her my story in a way she could feel what I was describing as if she was sitting on that bench. Obviously I succeeded. She told me she could almost feel the sun on her skin and feel the breeze. She really understood which state of mind I was looking for and why I needed it, not only because it was part of our individual work. We both agreed on the point that to reach the point of presencing we needed to be in that specific state of mind. Relax your body, relax your mind can be compared to a physical way to suspend your judgment. You do not feel what you are expecting to, like downloading your thought from the past, you feel for real, what is happening right away. When you have reach this state you are like free from the anchor which was taking you back to the past. The field is ready to welcome a spontaneous creativity. It doesn’t means you are going to say things ill-considered, but free from judgment, free from your past experiences. It gives the skill to face to future as it emerges. The usefulness of that statement was our most powerful learning. We are also thinking that relaxing through sport is a good way to reach that state regularly. But how can we apply it in a work situation?

Breathe

Tuesday morning. Almost everybody is at work. I am setting on a bench at the top of a small hill in the middle of the Plains of Abraham. Grass is still white of snow. I have a wonderful view of the partly iced St Laurent. Birds are singing. Weather is good. Not frozen as it was earlier, but not too warm neither. It is the perfect temperature to feel the fresh air on my skin without having shiver of cold. I try to relax. I take deep breaths. I do not hear the city from that place. I’m listening to my beat heart.  The sun manages to break through the cloud. I can feel the warm from the sun lights on my cheeks. Carpenters are working in the park. I can hear the noise of their hammer. I close my eyes. I listen to my breath. I feel the sun light even with closed eyes. While I’m experiencing those new sensations, I can feel my muscles relaxing and tears drops going to my eyes. I feel the weight of the week taking off. The breeze carries a smell. I know it. I can’t remember what it is. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I’m breathing. I’m thinking of nothing. I’m listening to my body. Birds, carpenters, sun lights, breeze, myself. They are separates elements. Breeze is back with that smell. Lilac flowers. It smells lilac flowers. After a while, birds, carpenters, sun lights, breeze, myself become one unique element. I open my eyes. I’m feeling relax. My spirit is empty. My muscles are relaxed. My heart beat is slow but powerful. My breath is deep. I see now the world with other eyes. 

I had a really hard week. I couldn’t keep focus anymore. I was easily upset. I was waiting for the future, I was dreading it. Now I’m feeling ready. Ready to face perspectives. I stop to worry about what could happen. What have to happen will happen. I stopped to download from the past.  I take the future as it emerges. Mahatma Gandhi said you have to recognize you are vulnerable to the future, to be able to face the future. I think I am more aware of this statement than before. It is maybe a reason why I’m feeling quieter, more centered on my true self. 

I think I felt aligned with this dimension of my self in the work environment, only once. This job was intense, stressful, and fast. Hopefully we could manage our schedule as we wanted and we were a great team having a lot of party to relax from job life. Moreover, because the job was so intense we didn’t have time to worry about the future. We had to manage situations one by one. We had to take the future as it was emerging. During those six months of work I was exhausted but blossomed.  

The safe role of being by-stander

Coaching sessions with Nawal are really pleasant. Most of the time we are on closed mind. The session started like the others: she summed up her story, I told her what were the mains points according to me and I asked her a range of questions to lead her reflection. What I prefer when she tells me her story is she usually adds details consciously or unconsciously. Ton of her voice gives me clue on her feelings about the situation. It’s another way to listen to people. 

Nawal had found a way to experiment the two models: the 4 players of Kantor* and the advocacy/inquiry model. She had shown a strong emotional intelligence* (EI) to face the last part of her group meeting. In a sense, the goal of using EI is similar when using advocacy/inquiry model. 

We also talk about which kind of leader she could be. I understood she had a lack of spontaneity in expressing her idea. She really needs to feel save, to feel her ideas are good one and she is not going to lost the face. The extreme safety is one reason why she loves the role of by-stander. 

After the main part of the session, we exchanged stories, opinion about followers we’ve already met. We were both not sure on the usefulness of being a follower. The end of the conversation looked like more a discussion between friends than an analyze between coach and coachee. It maybe a way to get to know her more and be able to lead her reflection better. 

*Four Players Model from David Kantor, 1995

*Emotional Intelligence made popular by David Coleman

Get to know the follower

I just finished my call with Astrid. Unfortunately the communication wasn’t so good. Due to bad internet connection, we had to cut the conversation earlier. But it gave us the opportunity to go straight to the point. I definitely have a negative image of the follower. She tried to show me how he can be useful when supporting a good idea. I agreed with her as soon as the idea is a good one. But supporting when it’s a bad one is no sense. It doesn’t help the group dynamic. Moreover, I think it’s kind of hypocritical to support one’s idea if you don’t trust in it.

Nevertheless, we agreed with one point. The four roles are essential to balance the team. We just need to find the true usefulness of each member. This is the hardest part. She asked me an interesting question: What should I do if one member is too involved in his role and if he doesn’t improve in other one? The answer is not obvious. It might be easier if he bring bad waves in the team. If I show him the bad effect he has on the team, he could think of changing his mind.

I think the only way for me to see the role of the follower under a better angle, would be to meet someone who deeply trust on the efficiency of this role. Astrid and I had a similar point of view. It didn’t help me to see things differently.