True self

Nawal & i did not understood the topic the same way. I felt it more as an exercise to face the future more quietly. She felt it more as introspection. Obviously she is always under control. For good reasons, according to me, she is continuously acting in the opposite way as a particular person really close to her.

She told me this exercise has been quiet hard to her but it was a way to go back to her childhood when she was really her.  We then started to speak about how to be really you. The main problem comes from social border and your education. For both of us, going abroad was a release. It was like being in front of a white board. People don’t know you. They don’t have a prejudice against you. You are free to re write yourself, your real self. We spoke a lot about her way to feel life, the reasons why she feels it this way, which changes were happening and which event has started it.

We realize we had one common point: both we lived abroad and both it changed us deeply. We were much more our true self over than among our family and friends.

This coaching session was the last one.  Despite it require a consequent work on yourself, it has been a good opportunity to get to know each other better…and also to learn more about our self.

Presencing with my coach

I’ve just ended my call with Astrid. I tried to tell her my story in a way she could feel what I was describing as if she was sitting on that bench. Obviously I succeeded. She told me she could almost feel the sun on her skin and feel the breeze. She really understood which state of mind I was looking for and why I needed it, not only because it was part of our individual work. We both agreed on the point that to reach the point of presencing we needed to be in that specific state of mind. Relax your body, relax your mind can be compared to a physical way to suspend your judgment. You do not feel what you are expecting to, like downloading your thought from the past, you feel for real, what is happening right away. When you have reach this state you are like free from the anchor which was taking you back to the past. The field is ready to welcome a spontaneous creativity. It doesn’t means you are going to say things ill-considered, but free from judgment, free from your past experiences. It gives the skill to face to future as it emerges. The usefulness of that statement was our most powerful learning. We are also thinking that relaxing through sport is a good way to reach that state regularly. But how can we apply it in a work situation?

Breathe

Tuesday morning. Almost everybody is at work. I am setting on a bench at the top of a small hill in the middle of the Plains of Abraham. Grass is still white of snow. I have a wonderful view of the partly iced St Laurent. Birds are singing. Weather is good. Not frozen as it was earlier, but not too warm neither. It is the perfect temperature to feel the fresh air on my skin without having shiver of cold. I try to relax. I take deep breaths. I do not hear the city from that place. I’m listening to my beat heart.  The sun manages to break through the cloud. I can feel the warm from the sun lights on my cheeks. Carpenters are working in the park. I can hear the noise of their hammer. I close my eyes. I listen to my breath. I feel the sun light even with closed eyes. While I’m experiencing those new sensations, I can feel my muscles relaxing and tears drops going to my eyes. I feel the weight of the week taking off. The breeze carries a smell. I know it. I can’t remember what it is. It disappeared as quickly as it came. I’m breathing. I’m thinking of nothing. I’m listening to my body. Birds, carpenters, sun lights, breeze, myself. They are separates elements. Breeze is back with that smell. Lilac flowers. It smells lilac flowers. After a while, birds, carpenters, sun lights, breeze, myself become one unique element. I open my eyes. I’m feeling relax. My spirit is empty. My muscles are relaxed. My heart beat is slow but powerful. My breath is deep. I see now the world with other eyes. 

I had a really hard week. I couldn’t keep focus anymore. I was easily upset. I was waiting for the future, I was dreading it. Now I’m feeling ready. Ready to face perspectives. I stop to worry about what could happen. What have to happen will happen. I stopped to download from the past.  I take the future as it emerges. Mahatma Gandhi said you have to recognize you are vulnerable to the future, to be able to face the future. I think I am more aware of this statement than before. It is maybe a reason why I’m feeling quieter, more centered on my true self. 

I think I felt aligned with this dimension of my self in the work environment, only once. This job was intense, stressful, and fast. Hopefully we could manage our schedule as we wanted and we were a great team having a lot of party to relax from job life. Moreover, because the job was so intense we didn’t have time to worry about the future. We had to manage situations one by one. We had to take the future as it was emerging. During those six months of work I was exhausted but blossomed.  

The safe role of being by-stander

Coaching sessions with Nawal are really pleasant. Most of the time we are on closed mind. The session started like the others: she summed up her story, I told her what were the mains points according to me and I asked her a range of questions to lead her reflection. What I prefer when she tells me her story is she usually adds details consciously or unconsciously. Ton of her voice gives me clue on her feelings about the situation. It’s another way to listen to people. 

Nawal had found a way to experiment the two models: the 4 players of Kantor* and the advocacy/inquiry model. She had shown a strong emotional intelligence* (EI) to face the last part of her group meeting. In a sense, the goal of using EI is similar when using advocacy/inquiry model. 

We also talk about which kind of leader she could be. I understood she had a lack of spontaneity in expressing her idea. She really needs to feel save, to feel her ideas are good one and she is not going to lost the face. The extreme safety is one reason why she loves the role of by-stander. 

After the main part of the session, we exchanged stories, opinion about followers we’ve already met. We were both not sure on the usefulness of being a follower. The end of the conversation looked like more a discussion between friends than an analyze between coach and coachee. It maybe a way to get to know her more and be able to lead her reflection better. 

*Four Players Model from David Kantor, 1995

*Emotional Intelligence made popular by David Coleman

Get to know the follower

I just finished my call with Astrid. Unfortunately the communication wasn’t so good. Due to bad internet connection, we had to cut the conversation earlier. But it gave us the opportunity to go straight to the point. I definitely have a negative image of the follower. She tried to show me how he can be useful when supporting a good idea. I agreed with her as soon as the idea is a good one. But supporting when it’s a bad one is no sense. It doesn’t help the group dynamic. Moreover, I think it’s kind of hypocritical to support one’s idea if you don’t trust in it.

Nevertheless, we agreed with one point. The four roles are essential to balance the team. We just need to find the true usefulness of each member. This is the hardest part. She asked me an interesting question: What should I do if one member is too involved in his role and if he doesn’t improve in other one? The answer is not obvious. It might be easier if he bring bad waves in the team. If I show him the bad effect he has on the team, he could think of changing his mind.

I think the only way for me to see the role of the follower under a better angle, would be to meet someone who deeply trust on the efficiency of this role. Astrid and I had a similar point of view. It didn’t help me to see things differently.

Four roles for a better team dynamic

In team work members usually take an unconscious role: the mover, the opposer, the follower or the bystander*. The mover is the one who launch a new idea in order to move forward the team work. The opposer is the one who launch another idea, opposite to the mover’s one. The follower is the one who agree with the mover. Finally, the by-stander is the one who reject both idea using appropriate arguments.

By nature, I prefer observe people before take the word. It might help me to analyze other’s proposition better. So, I can easily see if ideas offered are relevant or not. Sometimes I can take the role of the mover. I choose it only when the group dynamic is bad. I mean, when nobody really wants to start to take the word. But because I don’t like such kind of situation, I take the word. It’s not I’m feeling uncomfortable but I believe other team member see me as the leader and give me all the responsibilities. When it’s time to take decision, most of the times we ask the leader to choose the final word. Also when something doesn’t work we ask the leader to fix it, even if all team members have the same level of skills or responsibility in theory.

I can also use the role of the opposer and the follower. Nevertheless I could improve those two points. I see the follower as someone who is avoiding conflict. Too often, we met people who follow because they don’t know how to express their opinion or who don’t really have one on the subject. I deeply think this is useless. I might improve my skills as follower if I could find usefulness as being follower. Be the opposer is easier. I like see the side people usually avoid. I like play the devil’s advocate. It’s brings the team view from another angle, to see other solutions or other issues. The point is I tend to not do it as much as I could. I guess it is because of the social pressure. People acting as opposer are often seen as negative people, who slow down the team dynamic. I knew someone like this. At the end of the team work, nobody could work with him anymore. He was just the annoying boy always criticizing our idea but without bringing new one.

During my last team meeting I tried to apply one of my two weakest points: following. It was pretty hard, especially when I didn’t absolutely agree with one’s idea. I always wanted to follow it but adding my suggestions, by-stand or oppose. It was kind of frustrating. It’s also forced me to speak before heard everybody’s ideas. I felt I had not enough information to extract the right idea. I think the only way for me to improve this skill is to associate a positive role to the follower. As I mentioned above, a follower doesn’t seems to have his own opinion. If I find a useful role to the follower it might change my perception of it and it could be more natural to use it. 

*Four Players Model from David Kantor, 1995

Without any judgment

With Astrid, we have agreed on one statement:Wherever you come from your actions and your understandings are guided by what built you. Belief, value, assumptions, perceptions, fears are basis of the person you really are. But those bases are different from one culture to another one. Definition of good and bad, moral and amoral, socially accepted and none socially accepted can be totally opposite. When you communicate, you see one’s word through your judgment. What’s happen if your judgment is built from different bases than the person you’re talking with? You simply don’t understand each other. So what to do then? 

The solution is simply: Suspend your judgment.  

After talking about this topic, Astrid and I realized it was not that easy. to suspend your judgment.  Your judgment is a kind of protection. During an unexpected & rude communication, the survival instinct reaction is self-protection. If you success to go over your survival instinct you become aware of great key which lead to victory. Because you listen for the first real time, without judgment, you understand one’s argument. If you are in a situation of competitiveness, it’s an advantage. For instance in chess “Think like your enemy” to predict his next step and win. 

We also raised another point: Using “suspension of judgment” when you don’t want to judge a person on his action. It seems to be a good idea. But where should be the limit to what we accept? What moment should you think the person crossed boarder? When our judgment should be back? 

It leads us to one key question: Is it always good to suspend our judgment?

To be honest, except the reflection which led to the questions above, i don't think I’ve learned at lot from this assignment. I use to apply suspending judgment. At least, i do it when my friends confess personal stories. To help them the best way, i try to analyze only fact, and make them see the situation under another angle. Maybe I would have more to learn in applying this method in harder situation, where I have more difficulties to control myself.

Deaf & dumb communication

Nawal has chosen to tell the story about her conversation with John. They have known each other since childhood. They enjoy having strong debate. They know which subjects are the best to start a conflicted situation and where is the point of no return. 

Obviously she cares a lot about their relationship. She confesses easily he is an intelligent and interesting person to talk to. Nevertheless she is aware of such type of conversation is not healthy at all. They know they will irritate each other quickly and the conversation will end suddenly. The worst thing maybe their deep point of view is almost similar. The point is they don’t listen to each other. Even if she knows him really well, she still has strong prejudice about him. She interprets his arguments by basing her judgment on the wrong image she has about him. Both are hiding they true personality. Both are not ready to listen to the other.

During the call, i continued the use the five keys (Listening, Mirroring, Summarizing, Questioning and Catalyzing). Because i had an external point of view, it was easy to show her the situation under another angle and to ask relevant questions. What i like with Nawal is, even if i ask her questions which could be annoying (the one you don't want to answer because you know it touch the right point), she always answers. She has the will to follow the coaching, and she seems honest in her answers. 

After applying the suspending judgment method, Nawal was amazed that “magic” could really work. I was right about one point: She decided to keep the secret goal of her interview for a while, to savor her victory of the debate. 

The most important for Nawal was to realize she could lead to a better debate if she would simply accept that a person could have a different vision than her. Accept yes, be naively influenced no.

The Magic Question

Communication can lead to debate. It leads us to face the situation in two different ways.  “First we can try to get the other person to understand and accept the “right” way to see things (ours). […] Or we can learn to suspend our opinion and the certainty that lies behind it. […] We acknowledge and observe our thoughts and feelings as they arise without being compelled to act on them.” ^*

This assignment was the hardest for me. It was not easy to find the right person. The one with who I usually have strong debate. I’ve finally found a friend, let’s call him Jerry. Jerry is one of my best friends. The point is he’s too negative. His vision of life, work, and world is negative. He is happy but disillusioned. Strongly disillusioned. Once, I was having strong doubt about my professional path. I called him to have his opinion. I wanted him to reassure me, tell me I was following the right path. Instead of, I just got more lost than ever and angry about him. 

Today, I called him to get some news and to speak about the event. When I explained him my feelings about that conversation, we both started to speak louder, faster, cutting each other words. None of us was listening to the other’s word. I was going upset again when I totally change my strategy. I asked him a simple question: Why. Why are you so negative? Why do you always see things in black? Why, why, why.

Why, is magic. The simple word can open huge door. He explained me the reasons why he was thinking this way. I try to not stop him. I was only listening. I tried to no apply my belief, my judgment on his arguments, but see them with clean eyes.  Maybe I understood another side of him. Then I felt the need to explain him what were my feelings when I called him the first time. I think he understand me a little bit more now. He accepted I needed him to reassure me at that time. And I accepted his vision of the world might be different from mine, different from my perception of what is negative and what is positive. 

I think you can use the suspending judgment method in the everyday life. It does require more willing than concentration. Indeed, when someone is upsetting you, the first reaction is to riposte. It is not in human nature to calm down, to listen to your “enemy” and to accept his point of you. Suspending your judgment help you to stay calm, analyze your opponent’s argument and adapt a better strategy. I’m pretty sure it is use in diplomacy!

*Bill Isaacs "Dialogue & the Art of Thinking Together", 1999, p136