Without any judgment

With Astrid, we have agreed on one statement:Wherever you come from your actions and your understandings are guided by what built you. Belief, value, assumptions, perceptions, fears are basis of the person you really are. But those bases are different from one culture to another one. Definition of good and bad, moral and amoral, socially accepted and none socially accepted can be totally opposite. When you communicate, you see one’s word through your judgment. What’s happen if your judgment is built from different bases than the person you’re talking with? You simply don’t understand each other. So what to do then? 

The solution is simply: Suspend your judgment.  

After talking about this topic, Astrid and I realized it was not that easy. to suspend your judgment.  Your judgment is a kind of protection. During an unexpected & rude communication, the survival instinct reaction is self-protection. If you success to go over your survival instinct you become aware of great key which lead to victory. Because you listen for the first real time, without judgment, you understand one’s argument. If you are in a situation of competitiveness, it’s an advantage. For instance in chess “Think like your enemy” to predict his next step and win. 

We also raised another point: Using “suspension of judgment” when you don’t want to judge a person on his action. It seems to be a good idea. But where should be the limit to what we accept? What moment should you think the person crossed boarder? When our judgment should be back? 

It leads us to one key question: Is it always good to suspend our judgment?

To be honest, except the reflection which led to the questions above, i don't think I’ve learned at lot from this assignment. I use to apply suspending judgment. At least, i do it when my friends confess personal stories. To help them the best way, i try to analyze only fact, and make them see the situation under another angle. Maybe I would have more to learn in applying this method in harder situation, where I have more difficulties to control myself.

Deaf & dumb communication

Nawal has chosen to tell the story about her conversation with John. They have known each other since childhood. They enjoy having strong debate. They know which subjects are the best to start a conflicted situation and where is the point of no return. 

Obviously she cares a lot about their relationship. She confesses easily he is an intelligent and interesting person to talk to. Nevertheless she is aware of such type of conversation is not healthy at all. They know they will irritate each other quickly and the conversation will end suddenly. The worst thing maybe their deep point of view is almost similar. The point is they don’t listen to each other. Even if she knows him really well, she still has strong prejudice about him. She interprets his arguments by basing her judgment on the wrong image she has about him. Both are hiding they true personality. Both are not ready to listen to the other.

During the call, i continued the use the five keys (Listening, Mirroring, Summarizing, Questioning and Catalyzing). Because i had an external point of view, it was easy to show her the situation under another angle and to ask relevant questions. What i like with Nawal is, even if i ask her questions which could be annoying (the one you don't want to answer because you know it touch the right point), she always answers. She has the will to follow the coaching, and she seems honest in her answers. 

After applying the suspending judgment method, Nawal was amazed that “magic” could really work. I was right about one point: She decided to keep the secret goal of her interview for a while, to savor her victory of the debate. 

The most important for Nawal was to realize she could lead to a better debate if she would simply accept that a person could have a different vision than her. Accept yes, be naively influenced no.

The Magic Question

Communication can lead to debate. It leads us to face the situation in two different ways.  “First we can try to get the other person to understand and accept the “right” way to see things (ours). […] Or we can learn to suspend our opinion and the certainty that lies behind it. […] We acknowledge and observe our thoughts and feelings as they arise without being compelled to act on them.” ^*

This assignment was the hardest for me. It was not easy to find the right person. The one with who I usually have strong debate. I’ve finally found a friend, let’s call him Jerry. Jerry is one of my best friends. The point is he’s too negative. His vision of life, work, and world is negative. He is happy but disillusioned. Strongly disillusioned. Once, I was having strong doubt about my professional path. I called him to have his opinion. I wanted him to reassure me, tell me I was following the right path. Instead of, I just got more lost than ever and angry about him. 

Today, I called him to get some news and to speak about the event. When I explained him my feelings about that conversation, we both started to speak louder, faster, cutting each other words. None of us was listening to the other’s word. I was going upset again when I totally change my strategy. I asked him a simple question: Why. Why are you so negative? Why do you always see things in black? Why, why, why.

Why, is magic. The simple word can open huge door. He explained me the reasons why he was thinking this way. I try to not stop him. I was only listening. I tried to no apply my belief, my judgment on his arguments, but see them with clean eyes.  Maybe I understood another side of him. Then I felt the need to explain him what were my feelings when I called him the first time. I think he understand me a little bit more now. He accepted I needed him to reassure me at that time. And I accepted his vision of the world might be different from mine, different from my perception of what is negative and what is positive. 

I think you can use the suspending judgment method in the everyday life. It does require more willing than concentration. Indeed, when someone is upsetting you, the first reaction is to riposte. It is not in human nature to calm down, to listen to your “enemy” and to accept his point of you. Suspending your judgment help you to stay calm, analyze your opponent’s argument and adapt a better strategy. I’m pretty sure it is use in diplomacy!

*Bill Isaacs "Dialogue & the Art of Thinking Together", 1999, p136