The Magic Question

Communication can lead to debate. It leads us to face the situation in two different ways.  “First we can try to get the other person to understand and accept the “right” way to see things (ours). […] Or we can learn to suspend our opinion and the certainty that lies behind it. […] We acknowledge and observe our thoughts and feelings as they arise without being compelled to act on them.” ^*

This assignment was the hardest for me. It was not easy to find the right person. The one with who I usually have strong debate. I’ve finally found a friend, let’s call him Jerry. Jerry is one of my best friends. The point is he’s too negative. His vision of life, work, and world is negative. He is happy but disillusioned. Strongly disillusioned. Once, I was having strong doubt about my professional path. I called him to have his opinion. I wanted him to reassure me, tell me I was following the right path. Instead of, I just got more lost than ever and angry about him. 

Today, I called him to get some news and to speak about the event. When I explained him my feelings about that conversation, we both started to speak louder, faster, cutting each other words. None of us was listening to the other’s word. I was going upset again when I totally change my strategy. I asked him a simple question: Why. Why are you so negative? Why do you always see things in black? Why, why, why.

Why, is magic. The simple word can open huge door. He explained me the reasons why he was thinking this way. I try to not stop him. I was only listening. I tried to no apply my belief, my judgment on his arguments, but see them with clean eyes.  Maybe I understood another side of him. Then I felt the need to explain him what were my feelings when I called him the first time. I think he understand me a little bit more now. He accepted I needed him to reassure me at that time. And I accepted his vision of the world might be different from mine, different from my perception of what is negative and what is positive. 

I think you can use the suspending judgment method in the everyday life. It does require more willing than concentration. Indeed, when someone is upsetting you, the first reaction is to riposte. It is not in human nature to calm down, to listen to your “enemy” and to accept his point of you. Suspending your judgment help you to stay calm, analyze your opponent’s argument and adapt a better strategy. I’m pretty sure it is use in diplomacy!

*Bill Isaacs "Dialogue & the Art of Thinking Together", 1999, p136